On my journey discovered that I was a survivor. I don’t have clear memories of ever being told I was bad, but I think I somehow translated my childhood experiences into a self-concept that different meant being bad. Heading toward adulthood, I first ran from my differences, and then shoved gears into reverse and ran to them, always pushing myself so I wouldn’t be left behind or left out. Along the way, I uncover a duality deep within my being.
Partially accepting the imprint from my mother, I sometimes assume a woman-as-victim role, which I play out many times. The other side shows up as some version of a girl warrior with the mental picture from my inner being of a little girl in diapers who stands spread-legged with boxing gloves on, challenging whomever or whatever, saying, “Put up your dukes.” The size and attire of the girl/woman changes over the years but the image exemplifies a strong sense of determined survival in direct contrast to the victim role.
What I know now:
- That duality accompanied me through adulthood, along with a powerful feeling that I would always be protected and guided.
- However, it took many years before I could connect that sense to any spiritual model or belief system.
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Stay tuned. Next episode: “Untethered”