I’m pretty sure I’m in need of a new recipe. Denial acted like Novocain, numbing me. Similarly, someone suffering the death of a loved one goes into a grieving phase. Some think the first year is the worst, trying to put the pieces of a shattered life back together. This is not always the case. The second year tends to be even worse than the first because the person has come out of shock and now discovers the need to face the real world without the loved one. The first year can provide a buffer, but eventually the person must still face the fact that there is no bringing the loved one back.
I start my climb away from Denial as I slowly, carefully work at fitting the pieces of my life back together. This part of my journey spans fourteen years. As I do the meshing, I often find myself humming the tune to Jimmy Webb’s “MacArthur Park,” then I mouth the words:
Spring was never waiting for us girl/It ran one step ahead …
MacArthur Park is melting in the dark/All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain/And I don’t think that I can take it
‘cause it took so long to bake it/And I’ll never have that recipe again
I know the song was inspired by the end of a love affair. For me the lyrics come to mind as one part of my life ends and I’m left standing in the rain, melting in the dark. I don’t think I can take it and fear I may never be able to bake a new me without that recipe.
Fierce Grace, indeed. I had been cut loose from a cocoon of my own making, but rudderless when it came to steering the craft for my uncharted journey. The resources so necessary for my metamorphosis came slowly. . . On cue. As needed. The time for a new recipe draws near.
What I now know as truth:
- When we lose our map, our real knowledge of the path begins. –Mark Depo, Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, 2012
Stay tuned. Next episode: U. S. Army