Author Archives: admin

Reality

My reality is that for two weeks I’ve allowed thoughts of lack and limitation to stand in my way of writing this blog. My themes of late, post-memoir, have been upbeat and I wanted this blog entry to be thematic. However, reality isn’t always upbeat, and I’ve learned that I can’t stuff my feelings. When […]

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Triumph

Triumph is my word for the year. One Sunday, right after the New Year, Rev. V suggested we choose a word for the New Year rather than a resolution that probably wouldn’t be kept. The instructions were to hold the word in the seat of our consciousness for a few weeks to make sure it […]

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Dandelion Sisters.jpgRe-parenting for me is similar to parenting in that it never seems to end. My experience with re-parenting echoed birth: a rebirth of self which began shortly after I left my husband and young children. I felt alone, naked and exposed, vulnerable as a new born, uncertain of how to begin anew. With no developmental chart for rebirth, I skipped the crawling and toddler stages and wobbled upright, perhaps a wee bit off-center, but standing.

So began the journey of my re-parenting, my do-over. The often stated phrase, the journey is the destination, applies here. My sojourn spanned forty years of nurturing as I slowly, steadily stepped into my power.  I feel confident in my long sought power, but there are days that it wavers.

My reading of the Science of Mind magazine serves as a guidepost, a check on weight and balance: what’s weighing on me, pulling me off of my spiritual center, and hints on how to regain my equilibrium.  Gary Zukav’s article appears in one of the magazine’s issues along with Rev. Ron Fox. Both speak to spiritual power and coming home to our authentic self—a self that sets ego aside.

I ask myself, “What/who is my authentic self?” I sit in silence and wait. The answer comes: It’s the very essence of who and what I am. I don’t need to look for it, try to figure out what it is, or question who I am because I am me—the same person today as I as on the day I was born. The same person who has evolved into the present-day spiritual version of me in various configurations, always the same but with add on’s and take-aways; letting go of doubt, fear, and limitation and allowing myself to evolve.

Ernest Holmes tells us we are the center of power in our tomorrow because we have the intellectual power to create. Spiritual power is real.

I can’t, nor do I want to, change what and who I am. What I can change is how I think about the limited version of self, and how I present that to others. I practiced that Sunday as I experienced a couple of challenges, one with a machine and one with a person. I dealt with both by being patient and kind, confident and in control. And, kindness was returned. I felt closer to the person that I want to be seen as. Someone in possession of authentic power.

We must create authentic power in order to evolve individually and to evolve as a species. –Gary Zukav

Surrender. The theme of the month in Science of Mind magazine. Boy, talk about God’s light shining down on me! Just when I needed to hear it the most: Surrender!

The readings reminded me that I’m not in control of my life. The economy changes, jobs disappear; people come and go. The guidance being, allow Spirit to express greatly in my life. Let go of how I think things should happen and allow God in. Leaving the illusion of control behind, I allow room for the Divine to step in.

In my early life, after leaving my family, I didn’t feel in control. One question I had never asked myself, but probably should have, is what the other side of leaving my family might have looked like. I didn’t have a clue about what awaited. I never considered that I’d be left without any afterward plan.  I felt so alone.

I now realize there was no preparation for such an event—no “how-to” book in the library or a bookstore that tells you how to leave your husband and young children. How to begin anew. Having no developmental chart for starting a life over, I skipped the crawling and toddler stages and wobbled upright, perhaps a wee bit off-center, but standing.

I managed to get through the various life-phases but at a considerable price. I allowed an inner demon to creep into my psyche, denial, using it when needed to cover my eyes as I passed through a variety of phases.

On reflection, post-memoir, I see I was never alone but didn’t know that, or understand what it meant, for a long time. God, the Universe, was always watching over me: the Invisible shining light on the visible. A story that began with abandonment ended up going far beyond that.

Now, open to Divine guidance, I can see how all this applies to my life then and now. My journey turned out to be a voyage of self-discovery, a story of triumph over demons. And, I bump into issues daily that require me to surrender, to allow that Divine energy in to guide me as I stage into this incredible next stage in my life, post-memoir.

Surrender to what is. Say yes to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. –Eckhart Tolle

Daily Ritual

Three hundred and forty days of the year my mornings begin with a pre-breakfast daily ritual of spiritual food to feed my soul. I read bits from the current month’s edition of Science of Mind magazine, passages from The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes, pray, and mediate. Every other day my ritual is followed […]

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Feminine Masculine Split

My memoir, Flight Instructions: A Journey through Guilt to Forgiveness, devotes two chapters to the feminine/masculine split and how the divide affected the nature of my being. I say, “It would be several years before I understood what else I had to release in order to move successfully through various stages on my journey of self-discovery. […]

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PMS – Post Memoir Syndrome

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life. Instructions for living: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. –Mary Oliver After the old, the memoir, comes the new, PMS – Post Memoir Syndrome. Flight Instructions: A Journey Through Guilt to Forgiveness, tells of how in 1972, at a time when […]

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Childhood Conditioning-Abandoned

I’m a product of childhood conditioning. My parents met at a dance hall in Pocatello, Idaho in 1937. Mother came from humble beginnings, growing up on a farm in the small, Southeastern Idaho community of Downey. To escape the drudgery of farm labor, one Saturday a month, she and her girlfriends made the hour-long trek […]

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File:Philadelphia skyline-daytime.JPG

Arthur and I left for Philadelphia the summer of 1984. Zigzagging across the country is fun. My excitement is high when we arrive in that beautiful, historic city. Arthur had flown out before the car trip and found us a place to live, so we rounded up some used furniture at the Salvation Army, and I set about securing my place at school. I love Penn, the campus, my classmates, the faculty, and Arthur.

We drench ourselves in the Philly experience. We go to New York frequently, explore the Pennsylvania countryside, travel often to the Jersey Shore, go to the theater, and discover magnificent eateries. The hype doesn’t last long.

We are in Philly for less than a year when Arthur becomes disillusioned. He can’t find a fit for his rogue, bad-boy persona, though not for want of trying. My studies require more and more of my time and energy. The Pacific Northwest tugs at him, as he grows more despondent with each passing day.

In a last ditch effort to help Arthur regain some of his previous endearing qualities—love of laughter, joy of life—I suggest we go abroad.

I apply to the London School of Economics and Political Science. Initially, Arthur is wild about the prospect but his enthusiasm wanes and deep depression grips him in a choke-hold. He decides that what he really needs is to return to Portland; familiar territory.

He won’t hear of me quitting my studies, and he leaves for Portland dejected and even more depressed. I am deeply saddened, and miss him, but know there could be no other way for either of us. We don’t break up exactly, but it is the beginning of the end.  I take a leave of absence from Penn, and one month after Arthur leaves, I fly to London.

On my way to England, I stop in Portland to spend some time with my daughters and a few friends. Marilyn, a long-time Portland friend, and I are catching up on one another’s lives and wondering about our future. Then I say, “I feel like there is a big piece missing from my life, like a puzzle with a hole in the center.”

“I think what’s missing from your puzzle is God,” Marilyn says.

“I can’t imagine that is what’s missing. I’ve never felt any kind of a God in my life. It must have something to do with me leaving my children, don’t you think?”

“I’m thinking the two might go together.”

Something vaguely resonates in the way she hints that the puzzle might have to do with God. I feel a weensy internal shift. So I began by experimenting. Surprise, prayer didn’t feel as alien as I thought it would.

What I came to learn:

  • That period of time in my life, as I drenched myself in learning how to be a full-bloomed independent woman, was critical in paving the way for my growth into the motherhood I strived for.
  • It would take many more years in the making.                                                                       Stay tuned for a “surprise” post.

#14 Dating Again

I move into a lovely older Northeast Portland home in the Lloyd Center area. I’m making good money working for the State of Oregon and finally feel some stability and security in my life, which bumps me up the symbolic ladder of adulthood a couple of rungs. Notice, I said adulthood, not parenthood. I continue […]

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