From Part 1: Abandonment
Leaving my children and husband was prompted by an inner voice so strong I knew I needed to pay attention. I wish I could say my inner call was as clear and pointed as the migration calls of those magnificent birds that take their journeys in the same season every year. My call was vastly different. The first time I was even vaguely aware of an inner call came when I was still spiritually asleep—completely unaware that a voice was hollering from somewhere deep inside my core. Its summons was eventually ferocious enough to wrench me from my family.
The beginning of this journey was fraught with low-level vibrations of fear and guilt. The journey has been a long and circuitous route. I liken it to the message in T.S. Eliot’s poem, Little Gidding: We are always exploring and in the end arrive back where we started, seeing the place for the first time.
Like my feathered friends, I found the resources I needed when I was ready to use them—some took longer than others to arrive. Grace came first and last.
Leading up to the call, despite all my efforts to convince myself that I should appreciate my good life, deep down I felt miserable. The deeper truth, as trite as it sounds, is that I was grindingly, depressingly, unhappy. Dark unhappiness drove me to leave my children, and the ramifications are so vast they defy measurement. The effects have been far-reaching and have pretty much ruled my adult life—so much so that I unintentionally gave the scenario an existence—and a name—of its own. So great was the power I gave “The Leaving Event” that it mucked up the outcome of other causes that I’d set in motion. I recognized the toxic quality after the fact, but it took decades before I fully grasped how it continued to affect other aspects of my life.
What I’ve come to realize is that:
- As I discovered the transformative tools through my spiritual teachings, I began to free myself from the cage of guilt and shame for leaving.
- Thoughts are things; they have the power to objectify themselves. I have the power to change those thoughts.
It is fierce Grace that sustains a butterfly as it struggles to free itself from the cocoon of its own making… –Science of Mind magazine, 9/13, p. 10
Stay tuned. Next episode: “Childhood Conditioning”