For years I carried the mantel of thinking I was not good enough. Along with that erroneous burden, I became a victim and was filled with doubt, guilt and shame. I went so far as to name my victimhood, my prosecutor: The Judge. With The Judge came frequent self-flagellations. At the height of these low vibrations, I ask my therapist, #4, “What’s wrong with me blaming The Judge? His voice is so real to me.” His astute reply, “The Judge can be an angel or a devil. Thinking, staying in your head, works well for you, and you’re good at it because you can rationalize unpleasant situations and circumstances. But you don’t allow information from your heart and soul to work for you. It befuddles you. It isn’t always black or white, good or bad. It’s like we are all a little bit of angel and a little bit devil.”
During that decades-long journey, in spite of leading a full and exciting life, juxtaposed with guilt, I was always searching for a missing piece to the puzzle of my life. Again, #4, “Kathleen, our good comes through many channels—heart, soul, spirit, mind—and we need to pay attention and take in all messages to fully understand ourselves without judgment, but also without denying our thoughts or feelings. First listen, then trust time to reveal.”
“I just don’t get why it’s taking me so long?”
“It’s too soon—you need to let it happen. On its time frame, not yours,” is his reply.
Some twenty years later, I now know that I was experiencing a separation from God/Spirit: The missing piece. And, deep within, I know that God was always there, Invisible to me at the time. When I finally began to look honestly at my life – leaving my young children and husband of 14 years – I began to release the self-criticism.
Gradually the shame began to dissipate and I was able to sweep away the last remaining crumbs of guilt, making way for forgiveness which now dwells in my heart. I am thriving in the discovery of my true authentic self.
Forgiveness is the answer; it opens the heart for forgiveness. – K. Perkins