After an intense, loving spiritual retreat in Sun River, Oregon, with a few special women, I walked away drenched in love, knowing I’d been touched by Spirit. Without hesitation, I’d stepped into my power—the power-filled woman I was meant to be, oozing confidence, laced with love.
“You gave up your power to belong to your tribe.” These words uttered by Gary, a seer, a kinesiologist, in the early 2000s. The meaning of those words is finally, fully sinking in. I now realize PMS – post memoir syndrome – that I had abdicated my power in childhood, relegating it to the cellar of my mind.
Through muscle testing, it was revealed that at age four I learned/sensed that I couldn’t be who I was intended to be, that I had to suppress my knowing because of gender confusion. My younger brother was the center of our mother’s attention, and it seemed he always got what he wanted, including going fishing with our father. Not that I wanted to go, but the message of him, the boy, being the favored one was there just the same. I let go of my power to fit in. Consequently, entering into adulthood, I clung to the fear that my power would push people, and love, away.
Working with Gary helped me learn how to trust that I could be loved if I fully reclaimed my rightful place. When Gary muscle-tested for my feminine, the High Priestess, the result was wish-washy. “You’ve hidden her behind the warrior, the masculine, so you could blend in. The High Priestess is more spiritual, creative, fun.” If you’ve read my memoir, Flight Instructions: A Journey Through Guilt to Forgiveness, you know how I played this out completely, over and over, and ended up feeling that my masculine energy had turned into my nemesis.
The dead-end job I’d landed upon returning to Portland in 2002 proved significant in helping to unravel the dynamic behind the power struggle. The faculty position provided the field to reenact the family experience, being silenced by one of the VPs (parent figure), and not having my talents and expertise acknowledged: a strong message that the position was no longer for me.
The undercurrent of my true nature, my “power,” ran deep. I’m amazed at all I’ve accomplished while unconsciously hanging out in the basement.